Speaking the language of love in the digital age

Allan & Barbara Pease speak the language of relationships. They live and breathe Personal Communication and have made it their life’s work to teach others through their books, seminars and videos that life is Easy Peaseywhen you get along with others. 

So it’s not surprising to these two masters of communication that the digital age has done as much harm to interpersonal relationships as it has good. 

“Recent studies have revealed something disturbing about our new, young screen-watching generation” says Allan.  “Brain scans show they have less connections in their brains for identifying emotions in the face of others than their parents.  This means they are less likely than their parents to know that someone is angry, sad, confident, depressed or interested in them.”

This inability to read between the lines makes a first date (and often even getting to that point) a baffling and embarrassing situation for a lot of people. 

“What we’re finding interesting is we have a lot of young people who are very successful in their work life but belong to a new generation where everybody texts,” says Barbara. 

“They say, ‘I’m really great at texting, but face-to-face – what do I do?’”

The answer, says Allan, is to re-train your brain to read the body language and facial cues of others, and to practice using eye contact effectively. 

“We teach delegates at our VIP Weekends to practice reading expressions in front of a mirror. You might feel silly at first, but you’ll soon see the benefits when you are talking to the opposite sex.”

So what advice does the pair give to help digital devotees to learn the language of love?

The Top 5 Green-Light Signals

  1. Extended eye contact– The longer we look at someone, the more interested we are in them. When the person’s eyes dart from side to side, their brain is searching for escape routes, a sign they’re planning their getaway.
  2. The Head Toss and Hair Flick(Women)- The head is flicked back to toss the hair over the shoulders or away from the face. Even women with short hair will use this gesture. A subtler version may be a quick tuck of the hair.  
  3. Protruding Thumbs and Crotch Displays(Men)- A man will use Protruding Thumbs around women to whom he is attracted. Thumb-Displayers also often rock on the balls of their feet to give the impression of extra height. The Crotch-Displayer plants both feet firmly on the ground, making a clear statement that he has no intention of leaving. He may also turn his body towards her, point his foot at her and hold her gaze for longer than usual. When he’s seated or leaning against a wall, he may spread his legs to display his crotch. 
  4. Touching and affectionate gestures –Touching the hand or elbow, or hugging goodbye for longer than necessary are signs that the other person is serious about you.
  5. Body angling and Proximity– We angle our bodies towards people we’re interested in. In particular, watch out for the angle of the hips and the direction of the feet.  Proximity is another indication that things are going well. A potential partner will decrease the distance between you. If seated, they will lean forward across the table. 

Getting the Approach Right

When it is time to approach someone, walk over without hesitation but with a measured pace similar to a march to demonstrate your confidence and enthusiasm about meeting them. Smile and, if a handshake is offered, keep your palm straight and return the pressure you receive. Introduce yourself and use the other person’s name twice in the first 15 seconds. Never talk for more than 30 seconds at a time.

On a Date

If you’re on a date, try subtly mirroring your companion’s seating position, body angle, gestures and speech patterns. Before long they’ll start to feel that there’s something about you they like and find you ‘easy to be with’. This is because they see themselves reflected in you.

Learning and practicing these body language cues can make all the difference in the early moments of a relationship.  “When we meet people for the first time, we quickly make judgments about their friendliness, dominance and potential as a sexual partner. In fact we form up to 90% of our opinion of their availability and suitability in under 4 minutes,” says Allan. 

With those odds, it’s not surprising to see why attendees at the Pease’s popular V.I.P Weekend retreats are reporting body language and face to face communication skills as their highest priority. 

“There’s no doubt that digital mediums make life easier in a lot of ways. But the question is, are our young people getting the balance right?” asks Allan.

For more, read The Body Language of Love or ask us about our Powerful Relationships VIP Weekend. 

9 Simple Steps for Getting What You Want in Life

Have you ever had a specific goal in mind, but weren’t sure where to start? Do you feel like you’re getting what you want out of life? When you want something, you need a plan on how to get there, which is what my new book “Getting What You Want” is all about! Here is a mini step-by-step version of “how to get what you want” out of life.

1. Decide What You Want

This is most people’s biggest challenge. You’ll never know how to get what you want if you don’t decide what you want. Sit down now and do some thinking on what you really want in your life’s path. Write a list and be as specific as you can be. And the moment you finally decide what you want, the answers will start to become clear on how you will get there. So, step one is to decide what it is that you really want.

2. Avoid Those Who Will Bring You Down

Without realizing it, sometimes friends and family can be the ones who bring you down the most when it comes to getting what you want out of life. Although they often (not always) have good intentions, sometimes their intentions are the opposite of what you have in mind. Just because someone else has given up on their goals doesn’t mean they should bring you down from yours. Make sure that you avoid those people who will bring you down.

3. Keep the Focus

When you’re trying to go toward what you want, it can be easy to get off track. This step comes down to focusing on what you want and avoiding the things you don’t want. It’s easy for others to persuade us down a path we’re not focused on that can get us off track from our goals for many days, months, or years. Write down your goals and keep them where you can see them on a daily basis. Seeing your goals each day will remind you of the path you are on and make it easier for you to identify things that don’t serve your purpose.

4. Love Where You Are

In Western countries, 86% of people hate what they do for a living. Some people are comfortable in their lifestyle and are afraid to change things, even though they’re not in love with what they do. It’s never too late to change your circumstances, even if you’ve been in the same job for years and years. You’re essentially holding yourself back, if you don’t take the time to find a career or position you love.

5. Know Your Worth

Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day. What are you going to do with your 24 hours? Before you can get what you want out of those 24 hours, it’s important you know exactly what you want, how to get what you want, and that you know your worth. There will be those voices in your head that try and bring you down, but you have to be smart enough and determined enough to go to heights of greatness. Knowing your worth is one of the keys to succeeding in such a tough world. When someone has something negative to say about you, it’s wise to know exactly who you are and what you want in life!

6. Make It a Career

What if you love doing something and want to make it your career, but don’t know how? If you’re good at something and you think you can potentially make a living doing it, then plan to make it a career. Your friends and family may want to talk you out of turning your passion into a career, but don’t let them stop you. They are probably scared that you may not succeed, and even though they may want what’s best for you, in the end it is your life. You should focus on what makes you happy, not what makes others happy.

7. Know What’s Holding You Back

It’s important to take time to work out what’s holding you back and why you have waited so long to get started on what you really want out of life. Your brain and what you believe about yourself will help determine how far you go in life. Your brain has the power to drive your body towards achieving any goal you have in mind. In the business of knowing what you want out of life, you have to start somewhere. If you can’t determine what’s holding you back, think back to when you were a child and what dreams you had for yourself. Are you living any of those dreams or just trying to make it from paycheck to paycheck? If you’re not happy, that’s a sure fire sign that you’re ready for a change and it’s time to stop letting the “every day” of life hold you back!

8. Discover Your Driving Passion

Deep down inside each one of us, there is a “passion,” which is something you need to drive your dreams and goals home. Know what your passion is. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t waste your time doing it. In the desire to get what you want out of life, it’s important to refuse the negative thoughts pulling you down. Avoid stress at all costs because this can be detrimental to your overall success in life and will most certainly hold you back. Minimizing stress is important because you want to be around people who bring out the best in you, not who bring out the stress in you. Minimize the time with the people who bring you stress and schedule more time around people who bring you happiness.

9. The Qualities of Successful People

Most people are not as successful as they want to be. Why is this? Well, there are certain qualities in successful people. One quality of highly successful people is that they know exactly what they want in life and they don’t need someone to hold their hand. Successful people have no problem determining WHAT they want and don’t get bogged down in the HOW. Successful people also have a plan of action in place, and they’re not naïve enough to think that success will just fall into their laps by twiddling their thumbs. Another quality of successful people is that they keep track of their goals. They write down what they want, keep track of their objectives, and go for them. And finally, successful people go through with what they want despite what others have to say. With the right strategy, succeeding can be simple for anyone. Don’t forget that most successful people also have learned specific success skills. Visualization is one skill that’s important when you want to be successful. This is the art of picturing and imagining what goals you have and what you want to achieve.

What now?

Whether it’s a new career you want or a new goal you want to set for yourself, you have to be willing to do the hard work to get there. You also have to be willing to surpass all of the negativity and overcome all of the roadblocks it takes to get there. If you can do this, there’s no doubt that you will get what you want out of life and more! If you’re in a job that you dislike, now is the time to start planning to get out of it. Being in a job, situation, or career that you can’t stand will burn you out. The stress, negativity, and depressing atmosphere will most certainly keep you from achieving what you want done. When you are finally focused on what you really want out of life, things will start to change and getting what you want out of life will all of the sudden become a lot easier. Now that you’ve recognized that you’re ready for a change, how will you go about this change? Go back to the top of this list. Evaluate your life and determine what you want most. Some people prefer stress and negativity, and so they don’t change a thing. However, if you prefer to get the things you want out of life, then following the advice of successful people is a smart move to make.

6 Tremendous techniques for making a positive impression

Let’s face it… we all want to succeed in business and in life. And making a positive impression is one of those make or break moments in a relationship that can affect whether or not you’re going to get the outcome you’re looking for. So how do you nail that first impression every time?

1. Palm Power

When used correctly, palm power invests its user with a degree of authority and silent command. Palm-Up is a non-threatening gesture that’s been used since caveman times to show that the person is not holding any weapons. If you make a presentation and continually use the Palm-Down position, you’re more likely to suffer rejection from your audience. The pointed finger is a symbolic club with which the speaker figuratively beats the listener into submission. If you are a habitual finger pointer, practice the palm-up and palm-down and you’ll find that a combination of these positions can create a more relaxed atmosphere and you’ll have a more positive effect on your audience.

2. The Handshake

Shaking hands is another relic from caveman days that has been modified over centuries. Similarly to the use of palm power, your handshake tells the other person: Dominance: ‘This person is trying to dominate me. I’d better be cautious.’ Submission: ‘I can dominate this person. He/she will do what I want.’ Equality: ‘I like the person. We’ll get on well together.’ For more on the art of a good handshake, read What’s in a Handshake?

3. Left Hand Holding

This strategy may seem obvious at first but few people pay it much attention. Practice holding folders, papers, brief cases and drinks in you left hand. We typically greet each other, open doors, move a chair or wave goodbye with our right hand. So if your right hand is free of objects you’ll avoid looking clumsy.

4. Smile Power

Smiling is an appeasement gesture to show others that you are non-threatening. Our research shows the more frequently you smile, the closer others will stand to you, the more eye contact they will give you, the more likely they will be to touch you and the longer they want to stay with you. In other words, smiling is great for your business and personal life! (…and don’t be afraid to practice your smile in front of the mirror!)

5. Territorial Respect

We each carry a bubble of space around our body known as Personal Space. Its width depends on population density and what culture the person is from. If you are standing close to someone and you notice them move back, they’re telling you this is the amount of space they need for comfort. Keep your distance and resist moving forward.

6. Dress For Success

The secret to appropriate business dress is to ask yourself how your prospect expects you to be dressed. For you to appear credible, approachable, likeable, authoritative, knowledgeable and successful, how would you be dressed in their opinion? You never get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you practice these techniques you will become more successful at making a positive first impression every time. Would you like to learn more about winning in business? Order your copy of Questions are the Answers Copyright © Allan Pease. All rights reserved. Published by agreement with Pease International Pty Ltd.